I am unsure of what to expect in my life right now. Right before Christmas, I quit my job after trying for months to battle against my illnesses and balance my health with my job. I was unsuccessful.
For now, people advise that I relax and rest and recuperate from the beating I gave my body and mind. I don’t know how to relax. I am resting beyond my norms and feel somewhat lazy, as well as worthless. My family raised me to be productive and I cringe at my inability to accomplish many things these days.
The truth is that I have accomplished very little. I can barely force myself to shower once a week. I sit in front of blank pages and wonder where my mind has gone, if it is lost forever. I still have my wit.
I was reading articles the other night on reasons to be thankful for illness, or the bonuses of illnesses, primarily bipolar. The frustrating thing about all of these articles, in fact most of the articles I read about bipolar is from contributors with bipolar type II. I feel as though type I is its own beast and one that is rarely discussed in the media, except to cast blame and to portray us as entirely cray-cray. Reasons to be thankful are not present.
Gratitude is one of those things that are encouraged in communities fostering wellness. It was one of those things that I encouraged my clients to cultivate in their search for recovery. So, here is my own list:
I am grateful for my sense of humor; may I always be able to provide a snarky response to the most annoying of questions.
I am grateful for my family, who is supporting me as I attempt to find wellness and heal.
I am grateful for coffee, lattes, espresso, chocolate… generally anything with caffeine.
I am grateful for intelligent providers, ones that don’t make me question my beliefs about humanity.
I am grateful for friends, even those who abandoned ship, or feel that I am being too little or too much. It is amazing how friendships get torn asunder by life changes, or personal struggles.
I am grateful for my meds and the amazing 14-16 hours of sleep I get every night from them. Okay. Not really. That pisses me off.
I am grateful for a diagnosis that tells me about my problem and what I can expect.
I recognize this post is not really so much about embracing change, but about a wide array of thoughts and feelings. When it comes to embracing change, I am not ready. I have to think hard about it. I am very depressed about this change and it has taken its toll. I know that quitting my job and focusing on me was the best choice I could have made, but it was still difficult. So, while I should be embracing change and preparing for this phase of my life, I am wanting to give it the middle finger.