So, with an eating disorder, I have all these judgements about my body and about what I deserve. When people tell me what all I have to offer, I have all of these reasons that I am really not worth all that the world says I deserve.
When I was in college, I measured my worth by grades. If I got a 100%, then I deserved a full meal. If I got a 90%, I deserved 5 bites, followed by laxatives. If I got less, the results were not to be mentioned. Now, I consider my reasons for deserving things and it is still really difficult to think of myself as being worthy of anything.
In my last session with my therapist, he challenged me to be nice to myself: say nice things, stop belittling myself, be kind… So, yesterday, I went out and bought some clothes. It may seem that spending money was a bad idea, but with all of my recent weight gain, my wardrobe is too small for me. So, I bought some new clothes, most of which remind me of my college days, but this time with leggings instead of designer jeans. I didn’t try anything on (I know, a mistake in the fashion world where nothing is as it says it is) and I am hoping they all fit.
I have spent the past ten years or so dressing for business. I’ve worn argyle and houndstooth and creased pants and jackets. I’ve worn dresses that are business casual. Really, I have wanted lace and ruffles and flowers. I dressed for the business world when I was made for the arts. I hate t-shirts. I have never liked them. I hate sports jackets. I hate blazers. I hate suits. Yet, this is how I have dressed myself over the past ten years or so.
So, this year, I am embracing my own line of fashion: lace, ruffles, flowers, ooh la la… And I am going to embrace the fact that I love walking and yoga, but hate exercise. I am going to embrace my limitations and recognize that I can only do so much physically. I deserve gentle love and care.