During my recovery process back in 2016, I took up photography when I was able to start walking and had the energy to do so. I would go to the park with my dog, Rorschach, and just take picture after picture of nature. I edited them and discovered that I really had a penchant for capturing beautiful things. I was intrigued by the process of change for flowers and was amazed by their growth and how they seemed to grow and blossom with me.
I have returned to steady treatment after trying to work for nearly a year and a half. I still take photos of flowers and am always amazed by their tenacity and their strength to keep going in the midst of freezing temperatures and dreadful hot spells; still, they bloom.
As I move forward in dealing with my daily struggles, I have to realize there is no perfection. I still have delusions, struggles with food, suicidal ideation, and, sometimes, I just cry because I am not the person I imagined myself to be. Despite the frustrations, I am determined to still bloom; it may just take me longer and require more work. For now, I feel buried in ice, my ground muddied and frozen, my stems frozen and starting to turn brown to gray, and my petals are trapped within the bud, fearful to leave the safety of what I know: dysfunction.
Please keep fighting. It is difficult and wearisome. So often, I want to quit; however, I think of the people in this world who need me and the many things that I still have yet to do–I have to remind myself that I deserve to live.
As Virginia Rometty stated: “Growth and comfort do not coexist.”
Keep going. Even when your world is frozen and you feel trapped inside. Keep hoping.