So, I went manic and mixed and… Well, I made my way to the hospital to be safe.
Med changes and discovering things I didn’t want to know. Let me elucidate you: my antipsychotic caused weight gain and the lactation. The lactation is an unknown side effect, but stopped shortly after I quit taking it. I took myself off two meds and they took me off another (caused weight gain and freaked me out). I am now just on an antianxiety, an (different) antipsychotic, and a mood stabilizer. I also take some medicine to help with the PTSD. It is still a lot of meds, but I am taking fewer overall and feel better about myself.
I am going on vacation on Saturday; I will be away from home for about a week. This is my first vacation in years (since 2006) and I am hoping it goes well. I have been advised that it could be a bad decision to go, especially given the latest issues. However, I am truly tired of my diseases ruling my life. So, I am going.
If I were to be honest, the hospital was not a terrible decision. No, it was just frustrating to be there. I was bored most of the time; my ability to read and write was compromised by the mania. As my stay came to an end, I was able to think more clearly and felt more like myself. That is the oddest thing: I feel like myself. It worries me, in some ways, to have this much energy and to feel so much like my old self, but it also makes me smile. I have talked quite a bit over the past few days to my family, more than I have in months. This is all a good thing.
While I know this will not last, I embrace this feeling for now. I hate to not live my life to the fullest. I know already that my life is not what I want. I did not imagine this for myself. When I was a child, I wanted to be a marine biologist, an author, a minister, a missionary, and the list went on…
Having bipolar disorder was unexpected and not in the plan. Having an eating disorder nearly kill me was not in the plan. Having trauma was most definitely not in the plan. It is so surprising how much these can change you. While I feel like me for now, I recognize that it can change. In the meantime, I shall embrace this feeling of my normal and enjoy coffee and my life.